


heart in my hand (gun in the other)

by 16_starz



Category: Henry Stickmin Series (Video Games)
Genre: Acceptance, American Sign Language, Anger, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Bargaining, Can't Have Shit in Detroit, Denial, Depression, Ellie uses they/them, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Five Stages of Grief, Gen, Grief/Mourning, Heavy Angst, Henry uses he/they, Hurt, Hurt/Comfort, I Made Myself Cry, M/M, Post-Canon, Selectively Mute Henry Stickmin, Spoilers, This Is Why We Can't Have Nice Things, Valiant Hero Ending | VH (Henry Stickmin), What Have I Done, i'll keep it 100 it's stickvin if u squint, it is with great reluctance that i give this fic "a title (like this)", simphat clan server this is for u
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-17
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:33:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,363
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26430448
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/16_starz/pseuds/16_starz
Summary: One mission. It was one mission, and now Wednesdays won't ever be the same for Henry.
Relationships: Charles Calvin & Henry Stickmin, Charles Calvin/Henry Stickmin, Ellie Rose & Henry Stickmin, Hubert Galeforce & Henry Stickmin
Comments: 18
Kudos: 106





	1. Stage 1: Denial

**Author's Note:**

> hi! i'm going 2 be evil now!
> 
> i wanted to write something for this fandom, besides the baku stickmin series. and my brain has been nagging at me about some of my...issues, including my own grief. for some background, i recently lost my dog. she was 11 years old, and suffering. she was a big piece of my childhood, and now that she's gone, it...well, it _hurts._
> 
> this is also me experimenting with different writing styles. i usually write one shots and don't have enough motivation to write whole ass fics. but i'm going to change it with this one; i have a motive to work with this, it will help me grow as a writer, and it might help me cope.
> 
> please take caution that this will contain spoilers for completing the mission in the henry stickmin collection, specifically the valiant hero ending. there also are triggering themes in this work. read with caution, please.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Henry can't grasp the fact that Charles is gone.

_ The two of them looked past a wall, looking at the different escape pods. From what Henry could see, one escape pod had already left the station they were at. The three pods left were thirty-two, thirty three, and thirty-four. Thirty-two looked like the windows were tinted, and had the word LUXURY displayed on it, thirty-three had a cracked window and looked dark, and thirty-four was the most normal looking one; the lights were on in escape pod thirty-four.  _

_ The ex thief also noticed a redheaded fellow laying flat on his face on the floor. His green top hat was off to the side, so they made the assumption that this clan member was dead. Henry was so engrossed in examining the scene, he didn’t even notice that Charles tapped on his shoulder to ask him for input on what to do. _

_ “Hey, Henry,” he warned, “while I would like to stay and snoop around, we don’t have much time left,” Charles quipped; the resigned thief only briefly smiled. Even in times of panic, they knew that the pilot would break the tension with how lighthearted he was. _

_ Henry looked back at the three escape pods in the station. They narrowed their eyes, trying to not think. There were definitely people in the Luxury escape pod, so that was out of the question. (Then again, they couldn’t tell since the windows were tinted.) And thirty-four’s lights were on, which meant somebody was already inside. _

_ They turned back to Charles, and held their hands up, signing “Go to thirty-three.” He then pointed at pod thirty-three, and watched as his face twisted up in concern. _

_ Charles held his hand up in protest, before asking “A...are you sure? It doesn’t look safe.” Henry responded by nodding at their covert ops partner, and he sighed. “Well, I trust that you know what you’re doing,” the pilot reasoned. _

_ The thief nodded again, and led both Charlie and themself to the vacant pod. He pressed the button once, and waited; the pod door didn’t react. Henry’s eyebrows knitted together, his hand fumbling to press the button a couple more times. Still no response from the door; it didn’t even budge open. They frowned, curling their hand into a fist. The thief slammed the side of his fist against the button. The escape pod’s door lifted up with a soft whir, and the partners looked at each other; Henry had a smirk, while Charles broke out in a grin. Both of them slipped inside the pod, the pilot letting the thief in first. _

_ He fell into his seat with a sigh, relief coating his words, “Ahh, well that was intense.” He hissed out a hasty breath, which sounded almost like laughter. Henry curtly nodded in response to Charles; “Can’t wait to go h-” _

_ A man in a small, magenta top hat appeared briskly in the doorway, and Henry obliviously mumbled out, “Huh?” Like a bat out of hell, the Toppat member threw them out of the escape pod, and they landed flat on their face against the metallic floor.  _ Ouch.

_ Charlie shot up from his seat almost instantly, and shoved the magenta clad Toppat member off into the wall. He quickly scooped up Henry’s body, and tossed them back into the escape pod. The thief let out an “oof” as he landed inside, and Charles kept his focus on his partner for a moment too long. The pilot felt a force hit his back, and he reached his hand out to hit the button; his hand dragged along the wall when he pushed it in, hearing the click of the pod door shutting. _

_ The Toppat member gasped, running up to the now closed door. They pressed their hands against the glass in disbelief, and Henry scrambled up to his feet. He watched as the tophat on the attacker’s head slipped off their head, seeming like they were yanked down from somebody grabbing their legs. He came forward, pushing his own hands against the glass and the metal wall of the escape pod. They leaned on their toes, trying to see what happened. They flinched back when they saw the Toppat member’s face get pressed against the side of the pod, and Charles’ head popping up above the clan member. _

_ “Don’t worry about me-ow-” the pilot insisted, hissing in pain. Henry could hear white noise, the fuzzing forming an auditory illusion that their friend was talking a mile a minute, “I-i’ll find another way!” the pilot shouted frantically. The ex thief’s face softened, but there wasn’t any time to talk anymore; the escape pod launched off into the abyss of space towards Earth. _

_ Henry placed his hands back against the inner shell of the escape pod, watching as the orbital station grew more and more miniscule. No.  _ **No.** _ This wasn’t supposed to happen. This wasn’t part of the plan! He and Charles were supposed to go home together! Nobody was supposed to be left behind! _

_ As the thief watched the space station in horror, a crackling through their earpiece made a chill run up their spine. “H-henry?! You there?” Charles’ voice rang through their ears, and a breath caught in their throat. It was an awfully loud catch. _

_ Charles grunted, the sounds of fabric rubbing against each other was dispatched through the mic. “Man,” he huffed out; Henry could almost hear the smile in his voice, “that roughed me up. Got him though.” A brief pause from Charles’ end. They sat in silence, an anxiety bubbling in their chest. The pilot they had grown so close with, it wasn’t the same pilot Henry met. He sounded weak, like the air was being drained out of him. “...gotta be another escape pod around here somewhere; we did it, though. We got ‘em.” Tears started to form in their eyes, making their sight cloudy. He brought his sleeve up to his eyes, and forcefully wiped the sadness away. _

_On the other side of Henry’s earpiece, Charles was leaning against a wall for support. His left leg was brought up to his chest, and his hand held onto the side of his red headset. A dull pain reigned in his gut, his hands felt clammy, and he felt exhausted. He would do anything to protect his partner, even if it meant sacrificing himself. “Pretty good plan,” he chucked out, a sad smile on his face as he said that. There wasn’t much time left._ _  
_ _Henry’s eyes were filled with more tears, threatening to fall from his eyes. Even in such a dramatic time like this, Charles was still...well,_ Charles. _How could he be so optimistic when he knows that he’s going to die? They swallowed thickly, and groaned out, “Wait-”_

_ “You could say it was the greatest pla-” _

_ He didn’t even get to finish speaking. Henry’s eyes widened as he watched the orbital station self-destruct. They slammed their fist against the thick window, shaking in his spot. Their throat felt sore, but they couldn’t control their actions; he screamed the pilot’s name at the top of his lungs, shaking from the sob he tried to choke down. The banging from their fist came to a sluggish halt, resorting to resting his forehead against the glass. _

_ Before you could say “Hey,” the Toppat’s orbital space station was gone. And so was Charles Calvin. _

* * *

It’s only been a week, and Henry has been having recurring nightmares. Over and over, he’d remember the way that the pilot’s voice sounded breathy, the way that the other was still so cheerful, how sore their throat was when they landed, how much  _ pain  _ he was in. Some days, Henry had blown off doing work because the thought of getting up was so overwhelming and, to put it bluntly, useless. At the end of the day, he wouldn’t get to see Charlie again. They wouldn’t get to hear his voice, wouldn’t get to hide away with him in his helicopter, wouldn’t be able to listen to him humming random tunes he made up on the spot. All of it was gone.

Sometimes, Henry would forget that one of their best friends isn’t with him anymore. If they woke up late, they’d ask themselves, ‘Why didn’t Charles come get me?’ Then the bitter reminder would stab him in the back. The ex thief would furrow their eyebrows when he didn’t get paired with their usual partner for a mission. When he began an objection to General Galeforce, he would abruptly stop when they took more time to think about it; so much of Henry’s life had begun to revolve around the pilot, that it wasn’t even funny. All because the government had decided to kidnap him for a mission to help take down the Toppats.

They went through a lot of change in the past year. Damn, has it really been  _ that  _ long? They had lost track of the time that’s passed, but that was their rough estimate. All that Henry can think about is that it’s been a week since the incident, it was a Wednesday, and he wasn’t planning on getting up today.

The general seemed to have other plans for them, though. He had insisted that the former thief should get up and get ready, because they had a mission today. They wanted to wave the general off, sign for him to leave them alone; Henry sat up in the cot he was laying in last night. Their cheap pillowcase was getting soggy from the tears they cried throughout the week. He rubbed the exhaustion out of his eyes, so they at least  _ looked  _ like they’ve been awake for a couple hours already.

* * *

Not much happened for the next three days; one of the memorable events being that Henry met somebody new.

Their name is Ellie. The general had told the withdrawn thief that they were doing voluntary work to pardon their past crimes. (That’s just a fancy way of saying the government kidnapped Ellie.) He figured that the new recruit could help bring Henry back to his normal self. After all, he said that since they were both thieves, the two of them could bond over that. That was a little discouraging in hindsight.

In the clamorous mess hall, Ellie sat themself next to Henry. They observed his behavior; the ex thief wasn’t a talker, he didn’t look up at anybody, and he looked exhausted. They cleared their throat, hoping that Henry would perk up, and turn towards them. Instead, their hopes were completely destroyed. They didn’t elicit a reaction from Henry at  _ all. _ They chewed on their bottom lip, feeling timorous. Was he actually deaf? No, he couldn’t be; the retired thief seemed to hear the general just fine.

So what exactly was going on with this person?

* * *

The two thieves, in short, had made very little progress towards getting to know each other.

Ellie’s body ached from their last mission, but they  _ had  _ to know what was going on. They were desperate for an explanation as to why Henry wasn’t trying to converse with them; the convict had forgotten how far General Galeforce’s office really was.

The thick, humid jungle air made Ellie break into a sweat. It was almost overwhelming to be working out here, but they were desperate for a clean record. Even though they were basically kidnapped, they were desperate for their past crimes to be swept under the rug.

Ellie approached the tent, which served as Galeforce’s office. There was a flashlight on the desk, pointing up at the roof of the tent. The thief noticed that the General was still at his desk. He looked up from his papers, and made eye contact with Ellie. “Oh, I didn’t see you there, Rose,” he commented, tapping the papers against the desk to straighten them out. The general placed the papers on his desk, a sign that his attention was focused on the new recruit. “Any reason why you’re coming out here in the dead of night? You should probably be sleeping, you have a mission at dawn.”  
“I know, sir, but this is kinda important,” Ellie interjected, holding their hand up, “it’s about Henry,” they explained, and Galeforce cocked an eyebrow.

“What about Stickmin?”

“Well, he, uh...doesn’t talk to me. I’ve tried to make conversation, but he doesn’t respond.”

Galeforce sat for a moment, contemplating what he would say. He knew that he could bluntly throw around that Henry was grieving, and since they were dealing with the loss of their friend, it limited him to not even using  _ sign language.  _ Or he could gloss over that, and just say the half truth.

He ultimately decided this was the best idea; “He’s selectively mute. Usually uses his hands; ASL is the only way he’s willing to talk. Is he signing to you when you talk?”

Ellie shook their head, bright red hair wisping around in the short, warm breeze. “No, actually,” they remember, “the only time he acknowledged me was when he glanced at me after I made a peanut gallery comment during a mission.” There was obviously something off about Ellie’s description, because they found Galeforce shooting his eyebrows up in surprise, his face softening.

“That’s...strange,” Galeforce stalled between his sentences, “I’ll have to talk to him after your mission.” I didn’t know the grief would strike him this  _ bad,  _ he thought to himself. Sure, Galeforce was devastated himself when he learned that Charles died in the space station, but he was able to tough it out. There wasn’t any other choice for him; he had an army to command.

But Henry was just a missionary. He wasn’t fully committed to working with the government, so of course the grief would control him more. It was actually  _ bitter  _ to think about. Henry didn’t deserve to feel so bad.

Maybe he would talk to the ex thief.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> that's all there is to this chapter! i had a good time writing this :)
> 
> if you enjoyed this chapter, consider giving kudos or leaving a comment, i think that'd be pretty neat! it also would motivate me to write more :0c
> 
> do you wanna yell abt henry stickmin with me? here's where you can find me!:  
> twitter: https://twitter.com/16_STARZZ  
> tumblr: https://sixteen-starz.tumblr.com/  
> simphat clan discord (meet other fans too!): https://discord.gg/EVrKW7w (i go by "awooga, men!!" send me a message while you're at it .3.)


	2. Stage 2: Anger

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Galeforce says the wrong thing to Henry, and the missionary spirals into a state of feeling unfathomable rage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> edit: holy fuck didnt title the chapter correctly
> 
> i'll admit, this chapter was harder to write than i chalked it up to be. i'm still very proud i got it done, though!
> 
> who knew that writing a fanfiction about a stick figure dealing with the loss of his close friend would be an eventful coping mechanism? i certainly didn't.

Henry wasn’t expecting the general to sit down with him after missions to talk to him. More importantly, they  _ never  _ expected these post-mission meetings to be  _ wellbeing check-ins.  _ Does Galeforce really think that he’s suffering that badly? Because he’s really not. Maybe the mature man’s thoughts were being blown out of proportion, and this whole thing would end just as quickly as it started. Especially since the missionary was getting irritated with his supervisor treating him like a client talking to their therapist.

It’s not a big deal, anyway. Henry would get over it; they  _ had  _ to get over it. There wasn’t any time to mourn over people when you’re on the field. You have to worry about yourself; what’s going to happen to  _ you  _ next. Though, maybe now wasn’t the right time to think about this, since the general cleared his throat expectantly towards the missionary sitting across from him.

_ Right.  _ He was in the middle of a check in. “Do you need me to repeat the question, Stickmin?” he asked, his voice sounding grim. The ex thief nodded reluctantly, and Galeforce let out an abrupt sigh, “I asked if you were holding up well. I mentioned it last week, but Rose has informed me that you still have refused to communicate with them, even through signing.”

‘Has he caught on?’ they sat in their seat, curling their clammy hands up against their thighs. ‘I guess I don’t put up a good enough mask,’ they thought dryly. Henry merely shrugged at the General, watching as the wrinkles in his forehead became visible.

“Stickmin,” he stated sternly, “you can’t just blow this over and expect to get over it.” The missionary squirmed in his seat, noting that Galeforce rose from his chair, “That’s not how this works. I know you have a lot on your plate right now, with𑁋what seems randomly𑁋being paired up with the new recruit, and the loss of Charlie-” he paced around the space in the tent, pausing as he mentioned the pilot; Henry thought he heard the general’s voice break, “but you shouldn’t have to block us off. You’re a part of our team, and when you isolate yourself from your partners-”

There was a heavy pause from the older man. His body looked stiff as he held his arms across his back. Galeforce’s posture was straight up; stiff like a metal pole. Henry could identify the small tremors from the man’s shoulders, yet they were still difficult to pinpoint. The missionary couldn’t remember the last time that General Galeforce was this vulnerable with his soldiers𑁋or if he was vulnerable with anybody at _all._ It was surprising, to say the least; “...it worries the rest of us,” the general turned towards Henry, walking back to take the seat at his desk. “So, all I’m asking from you is that you tell me the truth. How are you holding up?”

And they’re back at square one. The missionary swiped his sweaty hands down his pants, bringing them up above the table. They were shaking a little bit, but the former thief managed to sign, “I am only angry,” with a few slips. It was definitely messy, he just wanted this to be over with.

Galeforce merely hummed out in monotone. “I see. Is there any reason why?” he asked, looking up from the paperwork he had begun to fill out. That was a dangerous question, and the missionary wanted to avoid it.

“Don’t know,” he fibbed, taking extra caution to not hesitate with their hands. Henry usually didn’t lie; they  _ really  _ wanted to avoid the rest of this conversation. Who knows what would happen if this continued on? Maybe the ex thief would spiral out of control, and blow up at his superior, or they would completely shut down. 

The two men were practically dancing on eggshells; one wrong word from either of them would make the shells shatter under their feet, and the excruciating guilt of broken egg shells would embed themselves in their feet. Yet, that didn’t seem to faze Galeforce.

“It’s about Calvin, isn’t it,” he interrogated Henry, who froze up. “You’re not a very good liar, Stickmin. I know that has been eating you up inside,” the missionary was silent, body twitching as they remained seated. He wasn’t being careful; Hubert was being too blunt with his words.

“You’re not alone in that. I feel the same as you do about his death,” he explained. The former thief’s breathing became quicker, more shallow; “Grieving is a hard process. I’m not sure if you’re in denial still, and I know this’ll be a bitter pill for you to swallow,” he put his pen down on the desk, folding his hands together. Henry broke out into a sweat. Don’t say it, don’t say, don’t you fucking  _ dare  _ say it𑁋

“ _ He’s  _ not  _ coming back, Stickmin. _ ”

The missionary shot up from his seat, knocking it backwards. It briefly tumbled out the front flap of the tent, dust swirling up from the loose dirt inside the fabric walls. Their hands were curled up into fists, his fingernails digging into his palm. “ _ Stop, _ ” Henry barked out, a newfound, unfathomable rage introducing itself in Henry’s tone.

He was as surprised as Galeforce appeared to be, since they usually restrained the usage of their voice. The ex thief’s throat ached, even though they said  _ one  _ word. “Don’t say that,” he signed frantically. “I don’t want to think that.”

“I know you don’t, but it’s the truth-”

“Do _ not. _ ” Henry moved his hands, practically fuming. The truth is irrelevant to the missionary. It was so blunt, so raw to utter, it was baffling. They deemed it as unfair, how Galeforce can simply announce that the sunny pilot𑁋who Henry had grown so close to, who he was far more intimate with, who when the past thief needed to turn to somebody, was there for him𑁋was  _ really  _ dead, and no longer coming back into their life.

The ripe-aged general had broken the eggshells beneath the both of them. The shards of the white shells stabbed into their skin, misery seeping into both of their blood. A burning anger formed within Henry’s stomach, and he stormed out of the officer’s tent. They refused to look back at the man that made them snap, no matter how many times he called out their name.

* * *

The word of Henry’s lash out didn’t spread like wildfire among the other soldiers, contrary to the missionary’s belief. However, it seemed like Galeforce had informed Ellie about the encounter. They were obviously filtering their sentences around him, visibly tentative of what would be the wrong or right words to say. The former thief felt peeved that their new partner was now afraid of them. Maybe he should try and clear it up.

Post mission, the two pardoned convicts were in the lounge of the barracks, sitting in the corner, in positions perpendicular from each other. They were outsiders, looking in as other comrades interacted with each other, presenting themselves as careless. The bright haired thief glanced between the group of their peers, and their stone faced partner. Ellie cleared their throat, and clasped their hands together. “So...um, do you want to talk about that?”

Henry looked up from their hands, arching an eyebrow like he was asking, “What do you mean?”

“About your encounter with Galeforce?” Ellie responded, their voice laced with confusion. “He told me that you actually spoke to him, and he said something that made you react so strongly, that you actually  _ said  _ something. And I was curious about it.”

Of course they were.

The missionary silently sighed, and brought their hands up. He tilted his head, asking their fellow convict a silent question. Ellie nodded curtly, and his shoulders relaxed. He began to explain with his hands, “Yeah. He said something, and I was angry with it.”

“Was it something personal?”

“I guess it is.”

“He said that you felt angry before he told you...whatever he had told. Could you have overreacted?”

“Lied to him. I wasn’t really angry.”

“Oh, so you  _ lied? _ ” the redhead recruit inquired. After their partner nodded, they knitted their eyebrows together. “But why?”

Henry started to sign, but his hands abruptly paused. How was he going to explain that he was slowly crawling out of denial that his close friend𑁋maybe his  _ only  _ friend𑁋was dead because he sacrificed his life for the ex thief to go home, and they didn’t want to talk about it since it felt like pouring salt on an open wound? Not to mention, to a person who the missionary barely even  _ knew,  _ so they wouldn’t understand as much as Henry wanted.

The simple answer would be that he didn’t. Yet, there was a battle in their head, arguing between completely shutting the truth away or opening up to the convict seated before him. On one hand, the former thief didn’t want to appear angered with his partner; on the other one, they desperately needed to open up so their partnership wouldn’t fall into shambles.

After an uncomfortably long pause, Henry brought his hands up again, and nervously signed, “I’m dealing with a loss,” they looked up at their partner, whose face had softened. The lounge seemed to fall quiet to a murmur, and the missionary croaked out, “I lost a friend.”

* * *

This shit wasn’t fair.

The resigned criminal felt like they were being played like a violin by the world. The events that transpired that day, they  _ shouldn’t  _ have. Henry wasn’t supposed to have gone home. They shouldn’t have been in that escape pod; it was supposed to be Charles, too. They were supposed to go home together. If it weren’t for that  _ stupid  _ Toppat who pulled the missionary out of the pod during those last moments, their life would be  _ very  _ different right now. They probably wouldn’t have met Ellie, they wouldn’t be attending the wellbeing check-ins Galeforce has been doing,  _ hell,  _ he probably wouldn’t be staring at the wall as he tried to push down the urge to punch a hole in it.

It was another Wednesday again. And the missionary didn’t treat these days too kindly. Sure, it’s the middle of the week and there would only be two days left until the weekend, but it was more than just a day to Henry. This seemingly harmless day would haunt his dreams (or nightmares) forever; it tainted a part of the ex thief’s soul, changing their normal day-to-day life.

While they weren’t religious, there was a growing hatred in his chest towards God. He could’ve protected them both, and made sure Charles was safe. Not everything goes your way, though. However, the past convict was still enraged𑁋why didn’t He look out for them? There were so many things that could’ve been done, yet none of them happened. Lost in the frenzy of their thoughts, Henry curled his hand into a fist, and launched it into the wall.

A thick warmth sprouted from the ex thief’s knuckles. A cloud of dust emerged from the shallow hole that they had created in the thin drywall. He drew his hand back, examining himself. Blood trickled from the new open wounds on their knuckles, twisting around his hand and slipping onto his palm. Pieces of drywall crumbled from the hole, either falling in between the wall or landing on the concrete floor, shattering with the contact of another hard surface. His eyes flickered between his bleeding hand and the hole that he created in the wall. At the very least, Henry knew that this wasn’t some fucked up nightmare of the missionary’s worst fears.

It doesn’t make it any better, though; now he knows that this is something he’s stuck with. The guilt, the rage, the misery, those would be demons that the former thief would have to fight off. They would take away any inner peace he had achieved, leaving the bitter taste of regret in their mouth. Especially since he used to take whatever he could get his hands on in the past.

‘Fuck the world,’ Henry’s mind buzzed, after what seemed to be an eternity of silence. ‘I don’t need anybody else to help me. Even if I did, nobody would. I can move on by myself.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> another chapter down, there's only three more left.
> 
> consider giving this a kudos and leaving a comment down below! i like to interact with you guys .3.
> 
> here are my socials if you want to talk to me:  
> twitter: https://twitter.com/16_STARZZ  
> tumblr: https://sixteen-starz.tumblr.com/  
> simphat clan discord (meet other fans too!): https://discord.gg/EVrKW7w (i go by "awooga, men!!" send me a message while you're at it .3.)


End file.
